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Current Music:Seventy Times Seven - Brand New
Subject:Passenger Seat
Time:02:01 am
Current Mood:awakeawake
They say that in a near death experience, your life flashes before your eyes. They were quite wrong, you can't move, you can't even make a noise, but your mind just screams "fuck! fuck! make this car stop spinning!" There were no pictures of me in tutus and going to prom. I was a very lucky girl today, which is sort of funny cause for the past six months all of I've done is bitched about how unlucky I am. Well if all that bad luck was in the name of storing up for this car accident, then it was all worth it. As I stood in the ditch on the 401 surrounded by police officers, firemen, and paramedics, many things were put into perspective. If today had been my last day on earth I would have been mighty pissed off, mainly because I've been such a waster for as long as I can remember.

Even before the accident, I had realized a few things on the drive home with Mel. As crazy, and misguided as she is, she has many things that I'm jealous of, including ambition. Every once in a while, she serves as a reminder that there are so many things to do in this life, world is my oyster, blah blah blah, but most importantly they don't happen when you're sitting around at a computer or on a couch. Then of course I get home, and collectively my mother and sister have lost a bijillion pounds, which made me feel even less productive. So after the shock had worn off of my parents when they realized their baby might not have made it home today, they continued with their constant beaming at me. My dad ooohing and ahhing over the speech he's writing for my gatillian/graduation party, and my mom about throwing the party, and how proud they were, which was nice and all, but so help me god I can't figure out what there is to be proud of. I didn't do jack-shit schoolastically over the last three years, and if anything I'm proud that I got away with it but other than that, I have accomplished nothing.

Today was a strange day. A day of revelations if you will. Strangely enough, after a long drought, my power of coincidence returned and I sort of took that to mean that nothing about today was a coincidence at all. To summarize, always wear your seatbelt because it really did save my life today, carpe diem and all that crap, but most importantly I've gotta stop wasting my time bitching and ditching. So, I think this is the end of me here... On the internet that is. I've got to stop this cry for help bullshit and move on... there's so much to do and see outside this stupid black box.
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Current Music:AFK - Pinback
Subject:It's been a while...
Time:02:46 pm
Current Mood:blahblah
Alex and I have this new thing where we sing stainD songs with our best Aaron Lewis impressions when we go out for smokes. I think our neighbours are pissed. Speaking of smoking, I'm gonna try to go from today (sunday) until Friday without doing it. It's so raunchy, but so addictive.

Things are okay. I'd like to think they're better than they are, but they aren't. I've wasted too much time trying to hold on to the things that aren't mine anymore, and I forgot to take care of myself. This year has been a cyclical nightmare of illness, poverty, and heartache... TODAY is the first day of spring however, and that means CHANGE! Good things are on their way, I can feel it.

Longest weekend ever, we just had. St. Patrick's day... TRASHED - K.O.'d at around 9pm after starting to drink heavily when I got home from work at 1pm. Friday, Jeff and Donny came for the monstro party and brought some friends. It got a little messy to say the least, but I love those boys, they're such a good time. Yesterday ended up going to Jack's AGAIN... that damn sara walton and her matchmaking attempts.

Only three weeks of school left, I'm shitting my pants.
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Current Music:So Long Mrs. Smith - Matthew Good Band
Subject:Were you dead way before tonight?
Time:10:37 pm
Current Mood:sicksick
Sometimes I like to remind myself of how good Matt Good is. Wow... that was an unintentional pun.

So strep throat is awesome in so many ways: Everytime you swallow, it feels like someone is driving a knife through your throat, you cough up bloody mucous, oh and you get serious headaches and lose your appetite. I imagine it's quite similar to hell. Maybe hell for me will be continuous strep throat... well, I'm going there... so I'll let you know.

Had a great time in Toronto with the kids...Aside from the sore throat. We dialed a bottle... nuff said.

My flight's a week tomorrow, so I'm super stoked. I'm glad I got this illness out of the way so that I'll be ready to go. Unfortunately there are still many things that aren't out of the way, such as a mountain of work that I haven't gotten to, due to the fact that I'm under the weather. Also the whole aesthetic preparations that have to be undergone. All this to do and I can't even eat solid food.

So I'm faced with many a dilema at this current moment in my life, only one of which am I willing to discuss on the internet. That being about my summer job, and how my dad tells me today that I might want it to be more than a summer job, and just forget about college completely. But you see I'm only twenty, and I'm just not sure if I'm ready to settle down at a government job, I mean that's so not me. Or is it? I feel like yesterday I was in grade nine and now it's all full time job central? Very confusing... the money would be nice though.... maybe a little too nice...
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Current Music:The World At Large - Modest Mouse
Subject:Round 2384039
Time:01:36 am
Current Mood:blankblank
Here we go again: I hear the sounds of the Tara and Drew engine running.
Put on your seatbelts.

Just went bowling: it was fun, but I did terribly awfull. Now I have some serious giggle issues.

Also, something strange is happening...And it's really not so good.

I'm very excited for the upcoming month.

And I'm also very stoned.

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Current Music:3rd Planet - Modest Mouse
Subject:I've got this thing that I consider my only art of fucking people over...
Time:01:08 am
Current Mood:aggravatedaggravated
I just realized how rediculously cryptic my last entry was. It made sense to me though, so I guess that's all that matters.

I think I'm just getting disgustingly ill from social politics. I'm starting to feel like a friekin' vet about this stuff. Now before I say what I'm about to say, realize that I'm not like bragging or anything, but just hear me out.
I've always had a crapload of friends. I've never been a loner, I've always been a bit of a Queen B when it comes to social situations, and let me tell you that the drama gets a little old.

Being a girl is shitty enough when it comes to dramatic situations. I think people slip drama pills in our drinks or something because for some reason, even things as simple as grocery shopping with roomates has become some sort of hierarchical power struggle. I feel exhausted by it all at this point in my life, and I just turned 20. Since I was 5 years old, it's been this non-stop whispering/saying things behind people's backs/ turning people against eachother world of nonsense, and as I go through my stages in life, these girls fall by the wasteside, and I can't remember what all the fuss was about.

This christmas, I worked at the mall with Pauline, a friend of mine from highschool. When we were in Grade 10, we were terrible people, filled with putdowns and insecurities masked by black eyeliner and caked faces. I remember sitting with her on a bus on one of our dreaded trips to work, and I just looked at her and laughed and said, "We thought we were so important." and she laughed too and said, "none of it even matters anymore."

So I'm considering next year my vacation from all of this shite, because I honestly can't deal with it anymore, and I no longer care where I stand, or what they think, etc... The girls at this school are rediculous, and just like in highschool they think they're so important, and in the end, none of it really matters...
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Current Music:Nico - The Fairest of the Seasons
Subject:I had a dream I stood beneath an orange sky...
Time:01:43 am
Current Mood:pensivepensive
Well, it's been over two months...Yes indeed.

Many things have happened, most of which I don't want to discuss because rehashing them hurts too much. If there's one thing I've learned is that everyone and everything keeps moving on and if you don't keep up you get screwed. Which is all well and good if you don't cling to what used to be, which I have the unfortunate tendency of doing.

Then I look back at things, like my NY crew, and how back in the day we were the most shit-disturbingest fun loving people, and at the time it seemed like they were the only thing that would ever matter. But we all moved on and we're not the same crazy 16 year olds we used to be, but we're all still good friends, and I guess that's all that really matters. I don't know what I was really trying to say there but I think it was something along the lines of: situations change, but if the people stick, you know you've got something good.

I suppose that's the attitude I'm taking as I stare into the blackhole of my future right now. I have no idea what the fuck is going on anymore, but I'm cool with that, and I've just gotta keep going. The people that matter will still be there... just like those three boys I met over milkshakes when I was 15 who are still my good friends: even if one breaks your heart, and another goes crazy...And the third... well there just aren't enough words for him.

Just like the friends I have now... some will stick, some will become memories, and you can't really do anything about it. Determinism... it helps me sleep at night.

Money is finally good. I'm peeing my pants for England, it's going to be a gongshow. College descisions are to be made in the near future... Jobs are lining up for the summer...

I had a wicked weekend with the wife, save one incident which, I hope has been rectified to those people that were wronged... Regret is silly, and yet I'm always filled with it.

I'm missing things... specific and nonspecific at the same time... there's just a general feeling of lack going on... I miss people (especially Chris, who I was just talking to, and I forget how much I love that kid sometimes because he loves reminiscing as much as I do)... I miss places... I miss specific moments in time... Just missing something that I have a sick feeling is right under my nose.

Also I think the universe is playing a sick joke on me... everytime things start to smooth over, something rediculously stupid or painful or regrettable happens to me... I mean don't get me wrong, cause that last part made me sound depressio, which I'm not. I just want something GOOD TO HAPPEN... I keep getting kicked when I'm down, and all anyone can ever say is not to get upset about it, and that I deserve better, and yadda yadda yadda... Well it's all well and good that I deserve better, but those good things that I deserve never really seem to materialize.

And now that I've sufficiently rambled about nothing, I'm going to bed.
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Current Music:It Hasn't Hit Me Yet - Blue Rodeo
Subject:Good To Know That If I Ever Need Attention All I Have To Do Is Die
Time:11:29 pm
Current Mood:boredbored
Well. I'm bored. And I'd like to think that this particular feeling can only be ascribed to today. But alas, I have a feeling that it is a common occurence these days.

You see. I have no money as of right now, and I won't really until January. This is prohibiting me from having fun. Also I've been violently ill for quite some time now. And I've been working like a retard. So. Life is pretty sucky in terms of exciting things happening. But I think everybody feels that way these days. We're sucky people now.

On the good side, next semester is gonna be kickass BECAUSE I'll have two jobs, a bursary, and only two months of rent to pay. So england is deffinitely affordable when all that is said and done which is nice, cause now my mom can't get mad at my. TWO JOBS!

Also, Autumn's gonna be in london at the same time now, so that's awesome. The awesomest thing ever.

I don't really have much else to say, because like I said life is bore-o.

That is all.
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Current Music:Going All The Way - Matthew Good Band
Subject:Gotta have that funk...
Time:02:04 am
Current Mood:blahblah
My life is a shmordgasborg (sp?) right now, let me tell you. I feel like I'm all over the place and yet nowhere at the same time. Let's examine it from all angles, shall we?

In terms of school? I'm doing pretty well, I'm going to a record amount of classes this year, AND my grades have been pretty good, save one which I blame solely on One Tree Hill.

In terms of money? I feel like a big giant asshole, because my parents hate me for having no money ever. (which is funny because it's the exact same reason why I hate them.) I did get a job though, but because it turns out I'm not that good at it, and I haven't got paid yet, I have yet to reap benefits. So I have this big fat ticket to england...and my mom's all, what about your rent?

In terms of Cool things happening? Halloween was sweeeet. I was a whore/Greek Goddess. Went to the Drink on Saturday, and partied on Sunday. Yesterday Nick and Ryan and I went to Hamilton to have dinner at Nick's house, and then watched Incubus kick some musical arse. I also saw Pilate at the Wave the other day.

In terms of Brad being a jackass? Brad was being a jackass, and got me good and upset for a week. But then he appologized, which is new, because he's never appologized for anything before. So now, I feel that he still maintains the position of jackass, but I have a softspot for him.

Life should be a la carte.... but it isn't.

Also, on a sidenote. I'd just like to mention how much I love Alex. She's the best thing that's ever happened to me. I've never felt more comfortable around someone, and yet she keeps me so entertained.

That is all.
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Current Music:I Shall Believe - Sheryl Crow
Subject:Not the gravity plan...
Time:11:40 pm
Current Mood:groggygroggy
So I got a job.


Green Earth, the people seem really cool, and the job seems easy enough.

I've spent all day watching One Tree Hill.

I have a sick disease.

I'm feeling very useless though, eventhough I did get the job.

I had a mild freak out today. Psycho...

Something's not right.
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Current Music:Crazy Train - Ozzy Osbourne
Subject:Out of my tree!
Time:12:51 am
Current Mood:rejuvenatedrejuvenated
Stoned out of my tree, I am. But still suprisingly good at typing. Just finished watching Planet of the Apes (original). That is some fucked up shit.

Sorry to disappoint any and all of those who wanted me to come to Montreal, but I'm officially saving every shiny penny I have to go to England. I got an e-mail from heather on the weekend and she goes to the most gorgeous university I've ever seen. So it's official, I'm going. Even my parents said I could. It's gonna be so wicked awesome cool neat.

The rest of the weekend was pretty good. Caught up with the kids, and I got to see jesse again, which was super awesome wicked neat cool great.

Tomorrow is my big job-hunt day... I hope all goes well.
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[icon] Soco Amaretto Lime
View:Recent Entries.
You're looking at the latest 10 entries.
Missed some entries? Then simply jump back 10 entries